You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish you could order shots online.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
