even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So many bounce houses so little time
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
