I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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