I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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