So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
