you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
