his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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