the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
