worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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