please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
