my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
