was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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