why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i need to put some appletini on your dick
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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