I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize