OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
