Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
