____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
