Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
