So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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