I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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