Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
