its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize