Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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