I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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