By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
