i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
