1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
