When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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