Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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