If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
