This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
