I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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