Please, let me fuck your mom
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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