No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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