She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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