Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
