Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
