Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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