Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
