Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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