woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Im part way to drunk.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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