never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i think i just lost a toe
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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