Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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