So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
