Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
