For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
