im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
