All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
