I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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