Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
