I wish i was in the wii world.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
