Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
