I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Congratulations! We have a period
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