I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You are the jesus of drinking
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize