How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I cannot find my penis.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
