Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
