first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
