Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
