there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
