I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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